Saturday, June 25, 2005

I'm not the ambassador to Chad. You are.

You need to learn French if you don't already know it well. They speak French in Chad. Or maybe they just write it. It's pronounced completely differently from how it's spelled anyway.

You have to wear green always. Green underwear, green shoes, and green hats. Yes. Never fewer than eight hats on your head at a time. It could be worse: my brother has to wear a green cape.

Bring the bug spray. Chad is occationally plagued by locusts.

Don't be old. Only 2.8% of the population is over the age of 65. I think maybe they eat the old, weak people.

Read the news papers: all public service announcements are outsourced to Germany, but you'll be speaking French. Or writing French. If you want to learn when the unscheduled natural disasters will be occuring, you'll need to study the papers. They're written in French, because Chadians speak French. Or maybe they just write it. Newspapers are written anyhoo.

Get a lot of sleep. Chad is in the southern hemisphere, so it's day there when it's night in England, and the Sun never sets on England. Perpetual darkness means you may as well just sleep all the time. I should be sleeping right now. But instead I'm posting a bunch of poppycock about your new job.

Your salary will be paid in the official Chadian currency: XAF. It's X-rated, so you can only use it to buy booze and porn. I recommend the booze. Porn can be found for free online.

A few years back, there were five times more mobile phones than 'normal' phones. don't bring your own: just steal one. You'll have diplomatic immunity.

Lose weight. One of the primary industries is meatpacking. You don't want them packing you.

Don't wear jewelry near the military personel. Chad spends about 0.03% as much money on military as the US does. The soldiers may be seeking alternative sources of revenue. Luckily, the government couldn't afford to buy them real guns.

(Chadians hate curious people.)

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